In Pursuit of Liberation

I’ve never been a risk taker in all of my 26 years on this planet. But a month ago, I decided to do something extremely anti-Sphinx: I decided to end my lease, resign from my job, and move across the country (well not really the whole COUNTRY, but it sounds more dramatic so I’ll stick with it) to be with my bf. For 26 years, I’ve lived in a bubble, being very careful not to do anything that someone else might not like— sometimes neglecting my own feelings in the process. And after 26 years, I realized that shit is “dead”, as my cousin and brother would say…

 How did I get there though?

****REWIND****

Remember, back in August, I told ya’ll about how me and The Boo were going back and forth about our views on the relationship and when and how it needed to get to marriage? Well, if you remember, I was pissed that he couldn’t see that we needed to be engaged before moving in, and he couldn’t understand why I needed that security if he was telling me he knew I was “the one”. You also probably remember that there was no resolution to that.  Well, about a month later we had another talk and cleared a lot of stuff up. We were able to understand where each other was coming from and we saw that we both wanted the same things. We already knew I was moving there, but didn’t know the how or when.

We talked a lot about what if (what if I don’t get a job before X, do I still move or not; what if the job I want doesn’t pay enough by my standards, etc). I found out that he was much further along (in terms of having his mind right) than I gave him credit for being. At first I felt like he wasn’t sacrificing anything but asking me to sacrifice it all: my career, my comfort and independence, my familiarity, etc. But after the talk, I saw that just because he wasn’t moving across states, didn’t mean he wasn’t sacrificing. For some months, he had been sacrificing taking trips and buying clothes and shoes (all of which I believe he’d DIE for). He told me that he’d been saving up money for debt payment and/or our wedding, or if I moved there and didn’t have anything lined up he would be able to float us. And he would eventually be sacrificing his own comfort (like his apartment) by my coming there. And I knew my coming there wasn’t about the convenience of sex, because we had recently both decided to abstain until marriage. <– That’s a whooole ‘nother post! WHEW LAWD! :-/

……………(Trying to clear these flashbacks from my mind right now)……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………(WHEW! SHAT! )

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….….

 WHOO SAH!…Now where was I?….OH. Right. The move.  So The Boo (and our relationship) has experienced so much growth. After that convo, I was so much more secure about the relationship. I knew that he wasn’t saying let’s just move together to just be together, but he has a purpose and plan.

****FAST FORWARD****

How did I get here though?

Seriously, one morning I just woke up and something told me to just GO. I knew it wasn’t me because I wasn’t even thinking about moving (at least not that day), so I ignored it and went on about my business. That same “something” came back again a few more times within that day, when I was busy at work. And that’s when I knew I had to just “do it”. I didn’t dislike my job, but I hated the fact that it was so far from my family and The Boo. And like any job, there were some aspects of it that I couldn’t care less about. Plus, I’d never planned for the job I was at to be a long term thing. I was always planning to come back home. So why not move to a place where I’d be happier? …. Even if it means giving up good money, and a guaranteed spot in the “Rising Star”/young people to watch category in the local business scene…. Even if my mom, dad, grandmom and a few friends would be wondering what the hell I’m doing and why I’m not being more responsible…. Even if ……..

…….Fuck this. I’m sick of living for other people and their damn feelings. I’m grown. I’m moving and that’s it. Why? Because I want to and I can…..

And move I did.

****PLAY****

So I’m here and getting adjusted (to being in the new place, to finally being with The Boo again – IN THE SAME PLACE!!!  , to sharing a space we both have way too many damn clothes for…). I still can’t believe I actually made the move! It’s definitely a liberating feeling to be able to walk away from something that’s ok but still leaves a void to something more satisfying…It kind of feels like I’m taking a looong vacation (instead of here permanently).  And The Boo has been so good. At the moment, I’m sorta living off of him (and saving my savings for a “rainy day”, which hopefully never comes). Again, totally out of my character, but he knew what he was getting into when we talked about the move.

I was kind of sad about the living arrangements. We have to stay in his current 2br apartment because he renewed his lease about a month before I decided to move, even though he knew there was a chance I’d be coming. But 2 bedrooms is cool. We’ll just have to throw some of his shit stuff away. And he’s been cool with that. I will admit, I can’t wait to have my our own place though. With more than 2 bedrooms and 1.5 baths… Mostly for myself because I get annoyed very quickly and need to go chill out in my form of the “Man Cave”. lol. But for now, me and The Boo are rearranging his space to become our space…(Smiling…Daydreaming…)

So this is what it feels like to follow your heart, huh? To not seek approval from others when you already know what you want. To be grown? I sit back and close my eyes in delightful enjoyment as I savor the fresh memory of my first encounter with the stranger named self Liberation.

****Pause****

It’s 5. The Boo’s on his way!