JaneDoh!
Goddess Intellect
Nik
Anthony R.
Daydreamer
Ms. Dee
PrimaryThoughts
{JeLisa}The Audacity of Bastards
For the past decade, I wanted nothing more than to hear this man say he loved me, that he saw a future with me, that he wanted to be with me. So, for ten years, I sat around and pined for him while he slept with my best friend, took my cousin’s virginity (we were only friends during those and I didn’t find out about my cousin until after we had started dating), missed my senior prom, my graduations (high school, undergrad, and grad).
He was my first love from high school – a year ahead of me- and even though we went to separate colleges, we managed to keep in touch and get together when we were both in our hometown for the holidays. Sure, we both dated other people, but in the back of my mind, I always thought we were meant to be together and I let him know that. He would never come out and say whether he felt the same way or not. After I graduated and moved, he wouldn’t come to MI to visit because “it’s too cold.” (Side note: I wish someone would invent a nifty piece of clothing that could cover your chest and arms- maybe with some sort of insulation…. Maybe call it a coat?)
So, eventually, I let the dream die. I moved the fuck on with my life and started actively searching for my true complement. We continued to stay in touch and talked to each other about 3 times a week, but when I came home for the holidays last year, I refused to even let him know I was there. I wanted to keep it strictly platonic, so I didn’t want to see him for fear that all those emotions would come back.
A few months ago, I am on the phone with him and I mentioned that my mom doesn’t like him (and she doesn’t). He laughs and says, “What would she say if you told her we were engaged?” I replied, “I wouldn’t even take something like that to my mother.” He asks why and I say, “Because, I wouldn’t marry you, so there wouldn’t be a need to tell her that.” He gets quiet for a minute and then finds some bs excuse to get off the phone.
That was two months ago. Since then, he hasn’t called, emailed, texted, nothing- not even a Happy Thanksgiving message. He won’t even be friends with me on Facebook. I have called him three times AND left voicemails and he hasn’t returned my calls. I’ve called him from blocked numbers just to be sure he’s avoiding me and when the #s blocked he answers. I don’t say anything; I just hang up. He’s alive and he’s avoiding me- that’s all I need to know.
I’m not sad. I’m not even missing him that much. I guess I’m just confused and p*ssed. I mean, the nerve of him! How dare he have the audacity to be mad at me after all the bs he’s put me through? How dare he be pissed that I moved on after I sat around like a dumb ass for the past ten years waiting for him to see in me what other men have? It’s so illogical. I don’t understand it. My friends tell me that maybe he was “testing the waters” and that he was getting ready to propose to me. Bull shit! The damn water was warm ten years ago, but I’m cool on his ass now. He was making it clear that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me so why get all worked up when I say I don’t want to marry you?
On top of that- how do you stay friends with someone for over ten years, talk on the phone 3-4 times a week for over a decade (especially when you were living in different cities for 8 of those 10 years), and then just stop without any sort of explanation? How much does our friendship mean to you to be able to just cut if off like that? Can someone help me understand please?
I think the fact that you said out loud that you'd never marry him really put all his shit in face for him to smell and he's having a hard time dealing with the reality that his shit stinks!
He might have finally grown up and realized that there are consequences for his actions and he's ashamed of himself. Some people avoid others when they know they are wrong and we feel bad that they avoid us, but it's just his way of dealing with a bruised ego.
You weren't wrong for sharing your feelings and thoughts with him, it might sound harsh to him, but sleeping with your cousin, missing all the important events in your life, that's not easily forgiven or forgotten. People have the ability to change, but sounds to me that you are right, you can do a hell of a lot better than that. Easier said than done, but don't stress yourself over someone who acts like that.
I agree- I think that his ego may be a little bruised. I just hate that he can't get over it enough to remain friends. Especially when I've gotten over so much stuff he's said/done and kept the friendship going.
Men–aren't they odd little creatures? First loves, especially, are hard to shake. He still has a part of your heart, that's obvious–and normal! And it sounds like, as is the case with many men, he was comfortable knowing that. I believe there's some level of security for men when they know there's that one girl they can always call/see/whatever. When you changed things up on him (and said you wouldn't marry him), it probably bruised his ego, hurt his feelings. It's funny that they can string us along forever but in the end they're often WAY more sensitive than they admit.
As a friend once told me, and as I've experienced several times, the best way to get a man's attention is to ignore him. Don't call, email, text, facebook, airmail, nothing. He'll come around. (And if he doesn't, you'll have to decide whether or not it matters.)
Good luck!
SFS
"As a friend once told me…to get a man's attention is to ignore him. Don't call, email, text, facebook, airmail, nothing. He'll come around. (And if he doesn't, you'll have to decide whether or not it matters.)"
Are we friends? Lol I've said this so many times a friend and she insulted me by saying "You're a girl and I'm a lady, ladies would react this way by calling until they get an answer." I agree with you though, calling them makes them feel like they can do whatever they want because you'll always chase them.
Ms. SFS! Welcome Back! That may be the best way to get his attention but right now, I don't even want it. If he can let our friendship go like that, then yeah I'm a little upset, but to hell with him.
If its meant to be he will come crawling back somehow. He sounds like a sensitive fella, is he? When you get together what types of things to do you do? Are you with other friends? Is it like a date? Do you yall know each other's family?
To me if he's made no physical attempt (actions louder than words)to have a relationship w you and all of a sudden comes out with this random engagement question it seems like he has some growing up and issues to work through that DO NOT involve you. You know men just say some random shit. if i dont see evidence of said engagement or an attempt at building a real relationship- you're not serious.
I'm sure it must difficult to not have those weekly convos but space can be a good thing some times, try not to take it personally, if he wants you he knows where to find you
He's generally not too sensitive. We dated for about 3 years and remained friends for years after that, so we do all the usual- we go out to eat, shop together, movies, cook together, hell, I usually make him wash my hair because he's really good at it. I wouldn't consider it dating because we've known each other for so long that it's almost just second nature? And yeah, we know each other's families. I talk to his mom. My mom used to braid his hair when he was growing it out. So, there's a lot of history between us.
But a few weeks before this went down, we were talking about my dating life and I was telling him what I was looking for (which didn't describe him at all) and he was like "well, I feel like I could be that kind of person" and I kind of ignored it. I figured he was baiting me. My friends say he was hinting. I say that's bs.
Wow, it happens to the best of us. But like GI if it's meant to be he will come crawling back. Then it will be up to you to decide what you want. Idk Lioness… go with your heart.
Wooo! Oooo GIRL! I can TOTALLY relate. Mr. K and I surely don't have a 10 year history but I empathize with the holding out- just in case mantra. I mean, that's me now. Hi. #fail. BUT I have this premonition that he will, like your guy, come back at the most inoppertune moment- like my wedding day. AN. Ne. WAY….
From what I read including your comments, you really love this man. My question to you is, would you really NOT marry him? In your heart of hearts would you but you just need time to date him again? Have you forgiven him for the years past? Does he even KNOW how angry you are? Maybe you guys need to talk it out….
I ask all this because it sounds like 10 years of harbored bitterness is motivator of your reaction to his 'will you marry me' innuendo. Call me a hopeless romantic but I believe in growth. 10 years is a LONG time for someone to change. It sounds like he has. If YOU feel he's worth a shot, why not? Everyone else ain't in your heart. All I'm saying is don't let anger hinder your love but at the same don't be a fool either. It's a fine line but I think you know what's best.