JaneDoh!
Goddess Intellect
Nik
Anthony R.
Daydreamer
Ms. Dee
PrimaryThoughts
{JeLisa}Passion vs. Security
So, I was emailing a friend the other day (when I should have been working- haha) and we started discussing the concept of “soul mates.” From there, we went on to talk about which was more important in a relationship: passion or security. Below are snippets of the emails:
After a certain point, people should not act all crazy and silly and stupid in love because the relationship is way past the initial phase of “OMG we’re together!!!” Does this type of nonstop excited love really last past a year anyway? At a certain point, couples start dealing with serious stuff, stuff that affects their lives and their futures. Think about married couples – if they’ve been married for 5 years, will they really have that same type of energy/excitement nonstop they had on the night of the wedding, and in the first year of the marriage? No, because by then they’ll have argued, cried, laughed, etc, and saw each other for who they are.
You can start off in love with a lot of ppl and end up falling out of love with them and transition to just loving them. So where do you draw the line between that person being a good friend versus the person you are to spend your life with? What should differentiate a person from being your friend and your soul mate is that you never stop being IN love with that person- you never stop having that butterflies in the stomach feeling. All the arguing and crying and learning about that person should only serve to intensify that connection- still in love, but just deeper.
Soul mates are overrated. The idea that there’s only one person in the whole world that could give you that level of satisfaction is ridiculous. Yeah, you can have great, good, bad, and “ok” connections with people, but the idea of soul mates gives a false goal of perfection that you can never attain. And even say you did meet your soul mate. When you get married, love, and being in love is sometimes even not enough to hold a couple together. If your communication and methods of dealing with real life problems/situations aren’t the same, then the “love” aspect can easily be lost.
But what’s more preferable? The passion of the relationship or the practicality of it- feeling more emotional swings—highs when it’s good to extreme lows when reality steps in to slap u down- rather than not feel anything at all? Relationships aren’t meant to be safe. Friendships are where safety is important. Without the butterflies, without the chemistry, without the spark- why spend the rest of your life with that person rather than leave it as good friends? And if the butterfly feeling, the goosebumps, etc. are supposed to leave after a year- how can you tell if it’s just that transitory period or if the love is really gone and you’re just going through the motions?
So what do you guys think? Should we expect passion to last beyond the first year? Is there a such thing as soul mates? Would you rather have the passion or the security?
I'm with whoever wrote blue. And I definitely agree with everything pink writing person says. God, you're both write – but Blue is more right.
One of my favourite of your posts, this.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
So what makes you prefer blue (aka practicality) over pink (passion)? LoL and i'm guessing it's more than just because you're a guy and you don't like pink.
This is what I think: I don't believe in soulmates–or if they exist, there are several you may encounter in your life–not necessarily the person you should spend your life with forever though. relationships are work, love is a choice. yes you may fall in and out of love–but you stay together because of other things. and you work together to fall BACK in love. if you don't want to work at it, then you should separate. So I guess I side more with blue as well…
Hey Reecie!
So one of the arguments was that passion and being IN love is the thing that holds people together, and makes them WANT to stay in it (even when there's disagreement and argument). As opposed to just being in this relationship where everything is practical and convenient. Some people would say in that case, what's the incentive to make it work?
well thats true. convenience only is a blower. I agree but when you are feeling down, just ugh with each other, it may not be passion right then but remembering the passion you had before should be incentive to make an effort to get it back, no? if you don't feel like putting in the effort then why get married?–its not bliss forever (consistently I mean) we all go thru ups and downs.
Hmmm I'm torn. A part of me wants to say that security is more important. I want to say that because being stable and secure is something that is very important to me in general. However, there is nothing like passion! No one wants to be in a relationship where the sight of the other person gets you about as excited as seeing the same bum on the train every morning. Even with all the fights, tears, laughter, etc…you still want to feel loved. You still want to feel like there is no one else in the world for you other than this person. I think most of us can agree that when you stop feeling like that is usually when you want to end things. I just pray everyday that I can find both….so far, I think I have. Two years and 13 days in and not only do I know 1000% that he'll catch me when I fall…I know that even after I want to shake him like a rag doll, I'll still smile at the mention of his name. Guess that means I need both equally, lol.
No fair Dee! You can only pick one (in this case)! Passion or practicality?
LOL…ok, ok! I'll pick passion all the way!!
Go Ms. Dee! I'm on Team Jacob– I mean Team Pink too!
I don't believe in soul mates. I used to. I used to believe in the butterflies, the passion, used to experience it all with someone, then one day I grew up and locked the butterflies in a jar without holes in the lid.
Bridges of Madison County, nice example of passion. It's great, it's fun, young love or in their case old love, but whatever…she knew that if she left with him it wouldn't be the same. In the moment of that weekend together the passion was there, once they left that house together it would all be over.
I'd rather have practicality, reliability, and stability over passion. I'd rather be able to sit around at the end of my life with someone I can talk to. If it's all about passion, when we can no longer please each other he'll either be gone or we'll sit in uncomfortable silence.
That's my take anyway…lol.
Never saw BoMC so I may need to check that out. I definitely see the benefits of having a stable relationship. However, -in my mind, passion isn't just pleasing each other sexually but just a vibe you have around each other- being able to read each other's thoughts, holding conversations without words. If being able to sit around with a person we can talk to is all that we ever strove for, then wouldn't we all be married right now????
I think passion can last beyond the first year..its got ta!
There are couples that when you sit with them all that passion and loving energy just radiates and in turn makes you feel all fuzzy inside..thats the kind of passion i want. Not that superficial PDA and lovey dovey drawing hearts all ova everything bull tho…its gotta extend past that.
I believe in the concept of soul mates, they always have a way of finding themselves in your space no matter how hard you try to get away from them…*sigh*
I agree GI. I think that if you aren't getting the warm fuzzies after a year into your relationship then maybe it's time to move on. I don't believe that every man that gives you those tingles is the right man for you. Just that the ones who don't are the wrong men.
I think passion can last beyond the first year, too, Goddess Intellect. However, I don't know what's more important. I mean, I would like to be with someone who can still make me have butterflies 50 years down the road, and I'll still feel loved, but I would also like security…can I have both?! Lol
P.S.- I love this website!
Welcome Labellabutterfly!!!
No you can't have both- lol! But a question just came to me. What does security mean to you? Because couldn't passion be its own security? Like, if you still feel that same smoldering heat with that person ten years down the road- isn't that an indication of that person's desire and love for you. Wouldn't knowing that that person stills feels that deeply for you emotionally be its own form of security?