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{JeLisa}Part 3: White Men- Black Women
So for those of you who have been following my dating experience, I am still dating the white guy. It’s been several weeks now and, to be honest, I am no longer sure if I am feeling it anymore. There’s just this invisible barrier between us that I can’t seem to cross. I can’t really explain how I feel so I will tell you a few of the situations that we’ve been in that have left me feeling rather apprehensive.
Situation #1: So, we went out for drinks after work and ended up bumping into an older 2520 that plays in his Fantasy Football league. He introduced us and the guy was like “Nice to meet you girl.” Maybe it’s just me but I HATE when a 2520 calls me girl. It drives me up the freakin wall because it reminds me of some Mammie/black face/Aunt Jemmima type –ish. When he said it, I immediately cringed. Was I overreacting? I didn’t say anything but later on I thought, how can I explain to him how little things (not just that situation) upset me and have him actually understand? How can he relate to what I am feeling? Is he supposed to sympathize or empathize?
Situation #2: So, yes, I kissed him. Yes, there was a little under the shirt action going on. During our session, I reach down to grab his drive shaft and when I touched him, he said, “It gets bigger. I promise.” I’m sorry but that just really killed the mood for me. I mean why would you say something like that? Do you think I am accustomed to some Mandingo/Lex Steele piping?
Situation #3: Where I am from you acknowledge every black person you meet (especially if you are in a setting where black people are the minority- read: corporate America). So one day, we are walking through the building at work together and he noticed how I nodded or silently mouthed “hi” whenever I saw a black person. Later on at lunch, he saw fit to ask me why I feel a need to speak to every black person to which I simply replied, “It’s what we do.” For some reason, he just couldn’t understand it, so he kept asking me questions to the point where I had to just stop him and say can we change the subject. I guess he was trying to understand why we do some of the thing we do which is commendable but there are just certain aspects of black culture which I really don’t have a rationale for- we just do what we do sometimes and I can’t spend two hours teaching or explaining it to you. Better yet, I don’t WANT to have to teach it or explain it you.
There have been other things that have annoyed me like when one of his friends called me “exotic”. Is that code for something? And I still feel like sometimes people are staring at us when we go out though I’ve found myself caring less about it. I guess what I am really questioning is whether the barriers between us are real ones or are they ones that I’ve conjured up myself. Are there some lines between two people that are too bold to cross? Is it important that your partner is able to relate to what you are going through or is it enough that they just listen and support?
I'd be curious at the acknowledging other black people thing…I'm not sure you can hold that against him. For me, a white guy, it's fairly alien and slightly bizarre behaviour.
I think you need to stop worrying about the obvious difference between the two of you and concentrate on the similarities.
I wasn't tripping off the fact that he asked. What annoyed me was that apparently my explanation wasn't good enough because he kept badgering me about it . I don't want to have to explain myself for hours on end everytime he discovers a part of my culture that is alien to him. Accept it as how we are and move on. I don't ask him why some of his ppl can't seem to catch the beat if I threw it at them. (Ok maybe I'm slightly wrong for that comment but that's how I feel).
All the things I'm afraid of, well not afraid of. All the things that would annoy the hell out of me. To have to explain simple things like being courteous to our brothers and sisters in passing…
The mood killer thing, "It gets bigger…" hahaha. Hilarious and definitely a killer! Props for trying! I wouldn't blame you for moving on to the next! That's just me, I'm easily annoyed.
Yeah I tried to be patient with him but it wore thin real quick because some conversations I just don't feel I should have to have. I want to be with someone who just understands. When I date a guy, I already have to explain this is why I feel XYZ because I am a woman. Now on top of that I have to explain that I feel ABC way because I'm black too? Too much!
Hmmm, I think some of it is just in your mind. Hell, I'm black and I don't get the saying "hi" to every black person thing….it's just not something most New Yorkers do, so I get why he would ask…I would ask. As for the mood killer thing…I've been with black men that have said some mood killer things to me like "how do you like that meat"…really???? I have a feeling if it was a guy you felt you related to more your response might have been along the lines of "let's see how big" *cue mic session*
I say you try it out for a bit longer. Have a convo with him about your mutual concerns and then both of you need to stop subconsciously focusing on the differences and treat it like any other relationship. Have fun, focus on the similarities, on each other's personalities and most importantly…..RELAX!
Have fun:)
Haha! I think you don't get it because you are in New York. I mean really who DO yall speak to up there?
Ewww "how do you like that meat?". Sorry I would have walked out on that comment.
LOL…it's true, we barely want to speak to our friends sometimes living up here.
Yea that meat comment was not the move LOL.
“It gets bigger. I promise.”
ewww..why??? why???
I dont like being put in the position of being a black ambassador, so the endless questions and curiosity just bugs me to no end…like ppl assume that because im brownish I know the latest Kanye news or some other dumb shit…
like why don’t we discuss this post-racial society we all apparently live in or why you are more likely to get a promotion than I am…no, no, no that would be overacting and kill the mood.
Ok lets back away from color for a min…he seems a tad bit on the insecure side no?
I mean the lack of penis pride and picking apart the whole saying hi thing…i dont think its a black thing its a sign of respect and that’s how you need to explain it to him.
Contd…
The comments from friends..i mean you had to see that coming…if you chose to date this man this will become an aspect of your life.
To answer your questions I think it’s important for your partner to be able to relate to your experience as a black woman, I suppose the curiosity is a sign that he really wants to learn. Share your insecurities with him, like he has shared with you. and take it one day at a time.
keep us updated & best wishes
I guess that's the thing. He kept questioning me for so long that it felt that after a point it became less about curiousity and more about challenging me- trying to prove that what I was doing was nonsensical- as if I was just wrong for doing it…. maybe I am overthinking this whole thing……………………………
Oooo noooo this is worse that I thought. I was annoyed that you are still dating him but now I plain feel bad for you. I feel like you are dragging yourself through this social experience rather than being comfortable and happy with what you know. <—There is NOTHING wrong with liking who you like. This new age (fake) 'post racial' is making people go the mile for no reason. Just because I prefer being in the company of my own race or dating the same does not make me racist. No one questions the white woman who wouldn't dare do what you are doing with the black man. Or white people that live in NYC and NEVER interact with ANYONE but WHITE PEOPLE. That 'girl' comment to 'it gets bigger' to questioning what WE do are all red flags. White folks are simply not warm people- we are. Honey, I'm prayin for you. Just be happy….
"There is nothing wrong with liking what you like." I understand that completely. However, if I heard a white person say I don't date black people because I like what I like, then how many of us would be quick to call that person racist?
I don't see that as racism. I see that as preference. It would be different if the white person said I don't date black people bc I don't like them or added some ignorance behind it. I sometimes think people mistake preference or comfort for racism. I've been around enough white folk to know if they said they didn't date one of us bc they like their own-ie white women- that's not them being racist, that's them being honest. I'm starting to think people are not ready for honesty in America and as a result every opposition of 'peace' is racist. smh. …We could then say women who don't date short men are expressing some sort of -ism… no, it's preference. Maybe I'm just totally ok with people expressing their dating choices be it race, height, color, hair, etc. Why be uncomfortable?<—Love will have a hard time developing that way…
I haven't dated outside the race yet, but now that I'm 30-something and single, I'm weighing all my options. Plus, it doesn't seem like the brothers are too interested in dating black women, so I no longer feel it necessary to be loyal to them when it comes to dating.
I blogged about the topic in September.
http://singleindependentsistah.wordpress.com/2009...